Being a mom is hard work. It’s the best work, I have been in a little mommy bubble for the past month, not wanting for anyone or anything to disrupt this newness of my little guy and the whole newborn phase. Yes, sleep deprivation was expected but I have found that the real exhaustion comes from my straight up worry for everything this child does, the wonder if I am doing everything right, am I a good mother? Every cough, wheeze, gurgle, I am turning to google way too many times a day to see what the possible ailment could be. “Newborn gurgling sound in throat”, “why is my newborn’s skin peeling?”, “newborn making strange noises”. (These are real google searches from yours truly). I have yet to find solid answers. Most conclude I need to contact my pediatrician immediately, or just go straight to the E.R. (Those people answering questions on google are real doomsdayers, sheesh!) No help there. I am assuming this overprotective/overlycautiousness will diminish as time passes. Or I sure hope it will. It’s driving me insane, I can’t stop.

I am also in the middle of some sort of inner struggle, doing my darnedest to look like a mom, but not TOTALLY like a mom. This is silly, I know. But it’s bugging me! I am convinced that when I am pushing a stroller through the outdoor shopping center, people assume I am the next to appear on mtv’s teen mom. My friend recently told me I look like the nanny, not a parent. I’m okay with that. To an extent. Part of this image may come from the backpack I wear as a diaper bag. Just an observation. But this new complex I have with myself has really played with my psyche. I spent way too much time the other day in Urban Outfitters debating whether or not to buy a homies t-shirt and blue nail polish. I mean, before this was a total no brainier. Buy both because they’re awesome. But now I’m a mom! Do moms wear that stuff?! Not really. I went with the blue nail polish. Skipped out on the tee. (Now regretting not buying the tee).

I guess what I’m getting at is this whole other side of the mom transformation. The baby stuff; nursing, holding, loving, caring, nurturing… This has all come pretty natural. I feel like this little man has been in my life forever. But there are other (less important) things that are putting my little self into a stupor.

My life has been flipped upside down and sideways, and it is absolutely wonderful. I have really loved every moment. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. But someone answer me: why do I feel the need to change EVERYTHING about myself to play the part as parent?! (Including nail color). It’s madness, really. The little man and I wish you a happy Saturday! Enjoy. :)

You came with the rain. Two weeks ago today. We had decided a rainy day would be the best kind of day for you to arrive. And I guess you felt the same. You took your time, that’s for sure. You made us wait in anticipation for what seemed like a lifetime. We just couldn’t wait to meet you.

I was so excited to feel the first pains of labor on a Saturday morning around 9:00. Your dad was so religious about keeping the time between each pain. We weren’t sure if it was “real labor”. So we decided to take a walk… and it being rainy outside we went to the only other place that made sense. Target. We walked around for a good hour or so, pains became closer together and more intense, we headed home.

Contractions continued for the rest of the day, we started getting a pretty good sense you’d be here soon. Dad went on a mad cleaning spree, he wanted to make sure everything was perfect for your arrival. I tried to relax.

Aunties Erin and Lindsay arrived that evening. They drove hours so they could be there when you arrived. Erin made us spaghetti, I played the piano for you, and we tried keep the house mellow and calm.

Contractions went on for a good 12 hours. Around 9:00 pm I decided I needed the midwives there. Contractions were about 3 minutes apart and they were no picnic, I’ll tell you that much.
When the midwives, (Michelle and Emily), got there, they checked your heart beat right away. It was so clear and strong.

There were many times throughout my labor that they would check your heart beat to find that same steady beat. I was constantly thinking of how strong you must be and what YOU were experiencing through all of the madness! It was such a journey for you too!

2:00 am rolled around and we all thought you’d be here any minute. I got into the warm birthing tub, trying to stay as relaxed as possible. Your dad massaged my back, gave me mental and physical support, and was in position for you to come. But somewhere in this transition I think you got a little confused on where you were supposed to be and when! You flipped to the other side and dilation stopped completely. For 5 hours. We tried everything! Lunges down the stairs, stomping around the kitchen, it was REALLY hard and excruciating work. Finally there was a moment I KNEW you were almost here.

I literally bolted up to our bedroom, refusing to have another contraction on those stairs. I told Michelle I felt like I could push, that you were close. She checked and sure enough, you had decided it was time. The last 20 minutes felt like such a relief. We were finally working toward something and could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got in the tub, your dad held me up by my arms. I could feel his body shaking, he was exhausted. He hadn’t left my side for the entire 24 hours.

After what seemed like only a few short pushes, you made your entrance. You were so beautiful. So full of life, I cant describe it. I was in shock as I held you, it didn’t feel quite real until I noticed your dad, hugging us both and crying tears if joy. At that moment, it was real. You had your eyes open immediately, so eager to meet your parents and see the world.

Your dad and I can’t wait to show you everything that is beautiful. You have been such a joy already in your short 14 days of life. I cry just thinking about how much you have changed already. Everyday I want you to stay just as you are, but as each day passes I love you even more.

There are so many people in your life that love you. So many people excited to meet you and watch you as you grow. I hope you know that and remember that forever. You are my true joy.

I love you, Ezra.

Love, Mom.

Some Serious Photo  Cred: Erin Fonnesbeck Photography